f r e s h s t a r t

Thursday, October 12, 2006

In such bad taste that it made me want to vomit

In everyday life, perhaps particularly in large, non-homogeneous cities, we're confronted with people and messages that oppose our views. People with different opinions on religion, politics, immigration, education, taxes, and abortion to name a few. When different opinions come into contact with each other we can choose conflict (politely debate, argue, get into a fist fight) or we can avoid conflict (politely listen but don't respond, ignore the person, walk away). Not all conflict is bad, but then again not all conflict is worth it.

When do you respond? If it's a controversial topic that you care about, when do you speak up? When do you let it slide?

A series of conversations I had today really bothered me. They were with a classmate who I considered to be a friend, and they were sparked by a reading assignment. Much of the reading for today's criminal law class was on rape. While doing the reading I felt fortunate to be attending law school today as opposed to attending forty or fifty years ago. All I'll say is that the laws back then did not adequately protect the victim, and my knowledge of current law was what allowed me to get through unpleasant older cases.

While studying in the library this afternoon, a male classmate of mine told me that he had told women he works with that he had been raped, and that they didn't find it funny. I asked him why he said that, and if he understood why they weren't amused. He replied that once while he was passed out drunk in college, a girl started kissing him. I pointed out that her actions, while inappropriate, didn't meet the requirements for rape, and that joking about rape isn't funny. He covered his ears.

After class, he said that no woman had ever asked him for consent before sex, that there were times that he slept with people he didn't really want to sleep with, and that therefore it was rape. I asked him if he understood why joking about this was offensive, and he replied that I was being offensive for lecturing him, the victim. I truly don't believe that he actually thought he was a victim of rape. It was all a joke to him, and that just turned my stomach. This from a guy who has talked about wanting to be a state's attorney. I don't think that I have much to say to him from now on out.

There are so many things that people say every day that I could respond to and don't. Should I apply the nausea rule in the future? If what someone says makes you sick, your body is telling you to say something?

20:58 4 comments

Comments:

I have an idea of who this person is, and if it's who I'm thinking it is, I can see how he would think this is funny. He's also not someone to talk about people making sexual advances. Just hearing him talk about women makes me sick to my stomach and I feel offended by his stories, which all involve some girl being in love with him and wanting him, which is quite honestly hard to believe! UGH!

# posted by

KULA : 8:33 AM

I think it's more sad than anything else. A mutual friend spoke with him, and it seems that he truly doesn't get it.

And if anyone is wondering, I'm not a man-hater, nor do I blame individual men for the acts of all men. I do realize that men can be victims of violence (when I worked with domestic violence victims we had some male clients) and of sexual assault. However, I don't think that anyone, male or female, should make light of rape, or falsely claim victim status.

# posted by

Eliina : 11:51 AM

Oh Eliina, "lighten up a little." Don't you know that unless someone specifically intends harm, they can't cause it?

# posted by

Anonymous : 3:11 PM

This reminds me of my grandfather's racism, my grandmother's unrelenting support of Bush, my in-laws religious fanaticism, my co-worker's view of women, and my mom's view of immigrants -- I think that if we can't confront those closest to us about the issues that matter to us, then who are we to criticize them for having those views? Nauseating as it may be, you're more likely to change this guy's mind than all the public service announcements and Lifetime movies in the world. Go at it. And, while I don't personally know the person you're talking about, I do know that even if people uphold their opposition in front of you, they will normally at least think about what you've said. He might still make stupid jokes about rape, but I doubt he'll do so without first recalling, if only for a second, what you said. He may curse you under his breath when he does -- but, he'll remember it all the same.

# posted by

Anonymous : 11:35 AM